August 17th, 2015

 So, I have been thinking a lot lately about the choices we make, good or bad and how they can positively and more often than not negatively impact our lives. I have made a lot of naive mistakes over the last decade and for the most part I have accepted these mistakes and have become stronger because of them. That being sad, it wasn’t an easy road to acceptance. I still struggle with coming clean about the choices I sometimes make out of fear of judgment from my peers. I am almost 30, so you’d think I was old enough to stop making really stupid mistakes. Right? Right. That’s unfortunately not the case all the time. I have this extremely annoying habit of being overly nice to others. You could say that would be more of a good quality instead of bad. You are right when I use my powers for good, like helping out my friends, or surprising someone with something special. I really do live for those moments because helping someone who truly deserves and appreciates the help makes everything worthwhile. The annoying part comes into play when I continue to help people who aren’t worthy of my generosity. I have the habit of not knowing when it’s time to throw in the towel. Giving up is just not in my DNA, and I practice this motto in every aspect of my life, including relationships. I have been guilty on more than one occasion of staying in a relationship well past its expiration date because I didn’t want to give up. You could compare me to a lovable beagle. Beagles are a very forgiving breed of dog. They will pretty much love you no matter what, with no judgment no matter what happens to them. The same can be said for me. I am a loyal beagle in human form. You might as well take me out back and shoot me right now.

Recently I have been harboring not so friendly feelings for an ex significant lover after discovering he was offered a very amazing job in NYC. Now, I know what you’re thinking, I need to stop being jealous and move on. My frustration which has morphed into anger has nothing to do with jealousy, though he thinks it is – Cue the eye rolling emoji. It has to do with HOW he received this opportunity and whose back he stood on to get there. I am trying very hard to be the bigger person in this situation and not let this type of thing get to me. What happens to others should not be any concern of mine, but the underlining reasoning involves me and is eating at my patience on the subject. Now, he is one of those people I should have given up on long before I lost myself in the situation. I was a super sad beagle puppy for this guy, and haven’t talked about what happened between us until now. All that thinking I have been immersed in lately, has been cultivating into writing about this without any fear because up until now, I have been pretty ashamed of not only my actions but my inability to walk away from a terrible situation.  

A few entries ago I mentioned HMBB (Heavy Metal Bearded Boyfriend – for those who are just joining us. Hi- Hello) spent some time apart. This is going to be one of those stories where we were not together and I will refer to him as Shea. Last August we decided to spend some time apart. He is much younger than I am and is still going through a lot of growing in regards to his personality and who he wants to be when he’s a grown up. On the other hand, I am through that stage in my life and know exactly what I want and made it clear I was going after it whether we were together or not. We both decided some time apart could be good for us, so we did just that. I was open to meeting new friends or possible love interest. Now, to be clear I have only ever “online dated” one other time in my life and it resulted in the worst relationship I have ever been in. I was a super duper sad beagle puppy in that one and after it was all said and done, I was over meeting someone through a website. I was being a little too optimistic about online dating last September when I decided to give it another go. So, I met this guy who I am going to refer to as ___ for privacy reasons. If you received a Christmas card from me this past year you know who I am talking about. You have my permission to either throw it away or burn it. Go nuts.  Anyway, ___ and I hit it off almost immediately and started dating not soon after we met. I know what you are thinking…You are how old and you did what? I am well aware of how stupid the entire situation I put myself in now in retrospect. I have been around the bock more than a few times with manipulating men and their powerful grip on my soul. I am trying not to feel guilty for my naïve mistakes remember? Keep with me. To be fair here, I had not been with anyone else other than Shea for at least 5 years. The thought of being with someone who was the polar opposite of the man I knew better than myself for most of my 20s was kind of exciting – well at first. I naturally fell hard and fast for ___. How could I not? He was a total babe – at first.  Why does a person completely loose all sense of decency they had for a significant other the moment “I love you” is uttered? I was definitely experiencing the true color syndrome with ___ once “I love you” was put on the table. I found myself covering for him on so many occasions I shouldn’t have. I had convinced myself if I made it seem like we were happy everything else that wasn’t so perfect would eventually sort itself out. If you are rolling your eyes at my thought process, trust me, so am I while I am typing this out to you.  I am very stubborn and refused to throw in the towel. I am referring to the times when any normal person would have had enough common sense to walk away but remember I am that sad beagle puppy, looking for love and acceptance so I am going to help the people who don’t really deserve it. I am going to tell you the things he did, not out of wanting pity, but to clarify the type of person I dealt with and the type of person I am despite the naïve choices some people think I make. Okay, here it goes.

We dated for about 6 months before I just couldn’t take it anymore. If it wasn’t for Shea and Kristen pulling me out of the situation, it would have swallowed me whole. I had suspicions there was something seriously wrong with ___ but I was too blind to accept what it enviably was. Three or so months in, I learned from his parents he was a high functioning alcoholic. I think someone needs to explain to me what “high functioning” means because when we were together, there was nothing functioning. I tried everything I could to get him to admit to me he had a problem. I have never been with anyone who had this type of addiction before so the signs were not as obvious to me. Even before I knew what was going on, I put up with a lot of bullshit I shouldn’t have. Some of the examples include being pushed down a flight of stairs at a subway stop (with his bike and my bike on my shoulders) when we were kicked out of a bar because he was being disorderly. He passed out on my couch one night and urinated himself several times. I was sleeping in my room and didn’t discover him until hours later and I was yelled at when I asked him to replace the cushions.  I was very sick in December of last year and was almost hospitalized. He didn’t understand that maybe it was time he took care of me for a change and was angry when I was too sick to pay attention to him. He would constantly compare me to his ex girlfriends and ask why I wouldn’t swallow his cum or let him shoot it all over my face and act like a prostitute. These were all acts done while under the influence of alcohol. The times when I could get him to stay sober for a couple of weeks straight, he was a completely different person and was wonderful. I was holding onto the wonderful parts, which were too far in-between the bad.

I tried very hard when we were together for him to see how great sober living could be. How nothing good was going to come from staying on the course he was on. His career of being a comedian and television writer would cease to exist if he kept being a drunk. I did have an impact on him when we were together because he tried very hard to stay sober. In the end, it was just too much for him and he succumbed to the drink. When I walked away, it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. It was not something I made lightly by any means and it took a while to come to the decision. I knew he needed to get sober, but I knew I couldn’t be with him romantically while he did that. I tried and it wasn’t working. I was losing who I was in the situation and being that I already struggle with my own mental health problems, I had to stop being a sad beagle puppy and put myself first for once in my life. This isn’t to say I wasn’t here for him though. I helped him get sober. I helped him do the impossible and stay sober but from a safe distance. I learned to balance my life and what I was feeling along with being there for him as a friend. He unfortunately did not see it that way because underneath the fact he worked hard to be sober; he is still a very selfish person. He could not see that our relationship wasn’t working and I needed to be free to find out what was good for me. He took it as a jab towards him when Shea and I ended up back together. This is just the type of person ___ is, and when I heard about the job opportunity he has received I expected the same type of selfish attitude.

As of last week he officially lives in NYC. I had asked to see him in person before he left to have a proper goodbye. Sounds nice right? We would say our goodbyes; he would thank me sincerely for my help and encouragement during the tough times and apologize for the things he put me through. It would have been great if it actually happened. He avoided seeing me in person one last time because it would have been too awkward for him. Yeah, too awkward for him, let the eye rolling begin. So, now, this is why I am so mad and trying like hell to look past it. If it wasn’t for me, he would still be hanging out with a gallon of vodka a day. The least he could do is say thank you. I just don’t understand how people can treat other people like that. There is good and bad in all of us, choosing the good over the bad makes us who we are. I always try to do the right thing even if the right choice hurts. It hurt to leave him and watch from afar. I am the one here picking up the pieces and trying not to feel guilty about everything while he is off starting a new life. Doesn’t seem very fair does it?

This is what it all comes down to though. We choose to help people who don’t really deserve it because we are good people. Why should I feel guilty about the things I went through with him? Why should I care what others think about my choices? It is even harder now, in the social media age to escape judgment of your peers because your life choices are always center stage. I made the choice to erase ___ from my social media life swiftly and quietly to avoid the questions because I was embarrassed. How silly is that? Why should I care what others think? If I am not supposed to care about other people’s life accomplishments or even some times public struggles, why am I so hell bent on hiding mine?  There was a friend on my FB feed recently who stated she hated herself sometimes for the choices she has made in her life. I told her she should never hate herself for the choices she has made. She is a stronger person for those mistakes and choices.  She is not a failure for these mishaps. I think she is better prepared for what life might throw at her next thanks to her not so perfect experiences as opposed to someone who might have been luckier in love. What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger. You – my friend – are a strong woman and a wonderful mother filled with so much creative talent. You can do anything you set your mind to. We are just giving those who point out our failures ammo. We never should let someone else make us feel inferior.

I am trying very hard to not let ___’s new life opportunities get to me. I am trying very hard to look at the positive; even though he might not deserve what he has been given I helped someone see the light. That should be enough for me to let go of the hostile feelings and let things be what they are. Alas, I am only human and will have to let these feelings run their course. I am definitely one of those people who bottle up my emotions and let them explode later. I am trying to be a better grown up and talk about these unfortunate mishaps publically, to my peers without fear before they turn into massive eye sores on my personality because being a cold person isn’t fun guys. I have let others use me as a martyr to better their lives and I need to learn to still help people, but walk away from a train wreck sooner than later. Being honest with you now is a huge stepping stone and writing about it is very freeing. There is a large weight off my shoulders sharing my not so perfect experience with the world. In the end, I still wish ___ the best despite everything that has happened. Has anyone else ever felt this way before? My friend and I cannot be the only ones out there who have felt ashamed about their actions. Let’s talk about it. Let’s stop being sad beagle puppies and instead strong individuals who stand by their choices, good or bad. This was my stand up moment. What’s yours?

“And now you’re just a ghost
When I look back never would have known that
You could be so cold
Like a stranger vanish like a vapor
There’s just an echo where your heart used to be
Now I see it clearly
And there’s just a pillow where your head used to sleep
My vision’s 20/20
I see through you now

I see through you now”